That awkward moment where you want to talk to someone who will make you feel better, but can’t think of anyone who actually would.

I’m such a fucking drama queen, and I’m too damn good at keeping people out. I want someone to care enough to push past my walls, but I also want that person to be someone I already care about rather than some new person who doesn’t know me. I want a romance at the same time that I’m too cynical to ever accept one and also at the same time that I realize it’s not a relationship I want. It’s — I want someone to care, but on my terms, which isn’t fair to anyone, least of all myself. I’m lonely as fuck, but I keep everyone at a distance, which makes me lonelier, which makes me push people further away because I refuse to admit that I’m lonely as fuck and want someone around, so I react by acting like I don’t need anyone and if you tell someone that you don’t need them for long enough, eventually they’ll believe you.

I want someone who can tell when I’m lying, but I’ve become too good at lying to accept it if someone actually can.

I’m a selfish, neurotic, overdramatic bitch, and I get exactly what I deserve. I’ve dug my own hole, and I’m in it too deep to get out without help, but I’m too proud — still, somehow, I’m so proud; I think it’s because pride is all I have, it’s all I can hold onto, it’s all I can keep — to accept that help, which digs me deeper, which makes me more belligerent, which makes me lonelier, which makes me angrier, which digs me deeper, which makes me more belligerent…

Fuck it. I’ll devote my life to my career, and forget all about this. It’s hard to be anything when you’re too tired to feel.

I can’t shake the feeling that I’ve done this all before, and I’ll do it all again.

I hate being depressed. I hate needing people. I hate wanting people. I hate being myself and I hate being a liar. I hate who I’ve become, and I hate who I’ve been, and I hate who I will be. Mostly, I hate days like this, and being the kind of person who has days like this.

I hate that I’m going to post this even though I started it thinking I was just going to get it out and then delete it. I want someone to see it, and I’m going to ask them not to look. It’s an exercise in futility and contradiction.

It’s a little funny, how some small things can condense a person’s character into a moment.