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joannejoeyjojo: TAG, YOU’RE IT! Here are the guidelines: 1) Each tagged person must post ten things about themselves. 2) You have to choose and tag ten people, as well. 3) Go to their blogs and tell them you tagged them. 4) Sadly enough, there is no tagging back.
Thankyou for the tag <3 =)
1. Lived in 3 countries, and went to 5 primary schools before we settled down!
2. I loved Philosophy until I started learning it, and I think now I only liked the Idea of it.
3. I am extremely awkward on the phone (except with one person =3 )
4. My Career Goals from Primary -> Now: Astronomer, Psychiatrist, Architect, Actuary (However brief that was), Equities Trader =3
5. I should be on Hiatus from Tumblr right now LOL
6. I lack result, even though I have many many many motivators.
7. Waiting for change ( aren’t we all? )(except those who are happy now of course )
8. Loves to be inspired
9. Would totally make the world a cooler place if Dictator of Earth
10. I have a Pokemon poster up even though I’m 20. (You know you want me now)
Musings
I can’t write anything good.
But the moments of clarity and meaning do come, often at the strangest of times, without any conscious intent. They collect, and pool together to form oceans. It stews inside of me, and bubbles away, each pop giving rise to consciousness, and as quickly as it comes, it leaves, sometimes forgotten forever, sometimes revisiting.
I feel like I’m trying to be two things at once. Or rather, I am positioned so that I have no choice but to. That I am trying to be your best friend in this time of hurting, that I want to listen and provide pillars of strength and support. But I know that you can’t, because I am also the cause. And this is just another one of those weird aspects to what we have. Another anomaly.
But it worked for the briefest of moments. Intoxication, and the freedom ( or lack of inhibition ) it provides. It was nice. Yet in the back of my head, I could not get over the strangeness of the situation. I was consoling and yet the source of what I was trying to console. Another conflict. Another struggle, more difficult that the last, because here my friend of experience has jumped out the window, and caused a scene.
I have always been weak for damaged goods. I lived the thrill of bringing what may be appreciated as that short time when life was shits and giggles. To bring change. To bring what I wanted to have, and have someone to share it with. A small dose of pure joy. If perhaps, only for a short time. I lived in it. It is my drive. It is the drive that is killing you right now.
I think I know why now. This mess. I changed the way I conducted myself. I intentionally thought less. Literally tried to brush aside all and any thoughts to do with you. And yet they still came, in trickles, and at times I knew how dangerous it was becoming, I pursued the same strategy. The awful conflict between mind and body. The weakness.
Sometimes I think maybe we should’ve parted then. Maybe it would be easier for you, to be able to hate and release anger at me without making it tense. It would be like an unraveling, an admission to the inner desire to feel and live. But, what do I know? I know nothing about you, just like you said. And perhaps, you might be better off leaving forever.
Though sometimes I feel like I do. Sometimes I feel as if there are too many subtleties. Maybe I wanted to see them, the quirkiness, the randomness of actions, the ability to make jokes even when it is inappropriate timing. The relentless surprises that you kept hidden. Those are the moments that hindered my decision. You should understand that. You should understand that sifting through, I find nuggets, I become greedy and sift a little more. Perhaps it is all fools gold.
This is all too weird. I have never imagined such a situation would be possible, but it is. And now I find myself caring too much to throw you away, but troubled too much to keep you close. For the first time, I am lost.
I feel like I am both the cloud, and the silver lining.
Tell me when you’re angry. Because if it is about me, then I will back the fuck away. Because I don’t know how to cheer you up,or make you happy, or whatever. You scare me to death because I don’t have a clue about what I’m doing to you. Except cause the pain, the insecurities, the building up of resentment and regret. And I care too much to want that.
I hate myself so much now. It swims around in my head. This idea that I have done something so..menial, so low, so unattractive.
I can’t even begin
Frustration
I have no fucking idea how to make you happy, or laugh or cheer or anything that I would remotely like to manipulate out of you. Nothing. And it frustrates me. I think that would be the most sophisticated way I could ever put it.
How to feel on such matters, when experience isn’t in control anymore. How to feel on such matters when something so unnatural is occurring, something so constructed. I am tense, and my heart is thumping for no reasons sometimes, only sometimes.
Tumblr Hiatus
Until end of semester.
I think that one of the biggest reason why relationships do not work out in the long run is because at one point, one side (or both) stops trying. Before one claims another person as their significant other, they would do anything to make that person happy. They would chase, they would flirt, they would be charming. They would send daily morning and goodnight texts every time you wake up or go to sleep. They would write corny messages and pick up lines just to make sure that there is a smile upon your face. But once they claim you as theirs, all of those things eventually stop. The 5 page texts slowly turn into 1. The constant calls turn into not calling at all. And the lovely endearments turn into daily arguments. In order for a relationship to work, don’t ever stop chasing. Just because the person you want is now consider “yours”, it does not mean they deserve anything less than the time when you’re trying to win them over."
On Why I am Single
Just made $145. Today. In 4 hours.
[edit]
Correction, $163.1
Significance? My portfolio is currently in what I would call a state of lockdown, meaning if I were to sell one stock which I won’t name *coughJBH*, I’d lose a shitload.
So, in pre-GFC fashion, I decided I would risk 10% ( PUSSY they call me )of portfolio capital and go out on a limb. Meaning, I gambled on a stock, with intention to buy today, and sell within 48 hours. Also known as Day Trading. Also knowing as gambling.
And I won 8)
Anonymous: Who is Q? Bring Q to the event LOL !!!!!!!!!! Aw I guess I'll see u at gelato day then?
Oh god I swear if you are a troll many dolphins will die. Quyen is my sister =P ( ish.. kinda )
Anonymous: Babes are u going to food lovers Bavarian beer cafe event on tues night?
Dunno.. hanging with Q the day before and I’ve got a test on the wed so.. =S Depends who else is going too.
Language is a Peace Treaty
NEE-ITCH-HEY. Y U NO SPEAK OUTRIGHT.
